Suicide Note by the Princess

Read the last blog post to understand this one better! :)

"While I keep asking my self

Of why I let go

Of the love that was knocking

Right outside my door

It isn’t a fairy tale

He though nearing a prince charming

Life well we know is a bitch

And I gave in to its wicked schemes

Now that he is gone

Life did not cease to grow

And when I thought I had renounced love

The rain wrote his name on my window

Eyes flooded, lips quivered

Those long conversations appeared hanging in thin air

I shut my eyes to clog all ways

But his love shouted of promises

In my ears

I was scared of the blows that rained on me

When once I returned empty handed

From the threshold of love

And now that I have lost my way

Some far-away distances I must cover

In the quest of his love

To explore it within me

Something says I shouldn’t give up

That I should be a fighter

Look for the face that make the stars in the sky

To shine a little brighter

Even if I give up the quest to life

The heart I believe will continue

Reaching out to his ends in glee

While I die, set me ablaze

But keep safe these eyes of mine

That are turned towards him, expectantly."

Of a Guarded Heart.

A guarded princess lay in her castle

Protected she remained

From the storm of emotions

That might wither her, she thought

For love didn’t quite lay by her side

Left her abode once

So now she fought

Against every sentiment that even tried

To create a space in her heart

One fine winter noon

While she stood by the porch

A bangle seller came across

She descended down the castle

Heads turned

Her beauty was beyond any admiration

She posed her hand

The bangle seller looked

Stupefied by her charm

Arrested in love he stood

As he touched her hand

It nearly slipped

From the white glistening skin

As smooth as silk

She smiled at him

And ran back to the castle

His touch inflicted the chords

She had long sheltered

This became mundane

They would steal glances when he walked by

While every winter noon

At the porch, her hair she would dry

She stood before the mirror

Caressed her hair

Tears rolled down her eyes

For she was now scared

Of the brewing love

That she ignored

Of the passion that made its way

Through the walls of her heart

Through all the choked ways

She couldn’t have been in love again

Doesn’t it befall once?

With questions in her heart she tussled

Though every time she saw him,

Her heart never ceased to pounce

As she walked by the garden one night

He stood before her with all delight

She turned her back for she fumbled

She couldn’t hide the love

Apparent from her eyes

He asked for her hand

Announced his heart

She still couldn’t buy

She was in love

For they say, once smitten, twice shy

She ran away saying

“You must go, for I don’t want this from life”

He went ahead with his head down

Lamented for he couldn’t be her knight

She stood behind another wall

Walls all again

Looked down to see him walk away

With tsunamis tussling in her eyes

A silent tear made its way

She realized love it was

But was unsure whether she could cater anymore

To the sting of love

So she nudged it away

Another noon when the bangle seller came by

He didn’t look towards the porch

She still stood by the side

Stealing glances at the other woman

Who now was buying the bangles

She had denied

Envious she ran down and called him out

He left with the woman

SORRY alone he said in reply

Once love left her, now she let it go

Pangs of pain though were there to stay

A heavy heart is like a heavy cloud

Both when let lose, do better, they say

She would then remain at the porch

Even afraid of love

She had denied all the red in her life

But in no time red took the better of her

When out of resentment she let herself lose

In the wind, as she stood above the porch

And finally ousted her battle with love and life

The red blood still wasn’t as red

As her soft effervescent cheeks

And they announced, the princess died.

Night beyond years.

That Night I lived
That Night I Loved
That Night I Kissed
That Night I Blushed
That Night I Submitted
to his charms,
That Night I let myself free
in his arms

That Night I felt his breath
climbing up my neck to my ears
Whispering I was special
He held me to never let go
That Night was beyond years

That Night I belonged to him
Only to realize, the day rested at the brim.

As I say Goodbye.

As I say goodbye to the hand that held

The falling me, the lost myself

As I say goodbye to eyes that promised

Of love, of friendship, of feelings unmatched

As I say goodbye to the kiss unlived

No matter how much I suppressed the yearning self

As I say goodbye to the laugh that echoes

In the ballroom of my heart, where a certain feelings danced

As I say goodbye to the promises unspoken,

As I say goodbye to the affinity down trodden

As I say goodbye to the arms unwrapped,

As I say goodbye to something I never had

My heart sinks

I stand with a batted breath

To witness the impending

To watch you walk ahead

And how I still will never regret

For something unparalleled we sure shared

Something premium not molested and raped

With the flood of expectations

But fostered with a clasp of love innate

These few days will remain etched in my head

When you only gave, expecting nothing

Your memories will span distances and times

As I will pull of a smile to the world and amidst

My heart will never cease to sink.

Wept!

Today as I sat and told her

Don’t cry honey that is how things move

She wept and wept and wept

I told her, to tell him

Love is all you need

She wept and wept and wept

I told her, you got to understand

Don’t let love go

She wept and wept and wept

I told her, he loves you

He isn’t possessive but watchful

She wept and wept and wept

She said, what do you know about love

You failed in your own quest

I looked at her as eyes brimmed

She picked up her bag and left

Gravity didn’t retire to idleness

Tears she pulled with all duress

As I wept and wept and wept.

The Unfulfilled love

And today when I fell back

You weren’t in time to catch

A wound inflicted again in heart

Of the love that went ahead

Leaving the us behind

Leaving the eyes teary red

No, it’s not the nose anymore.

And today when I scrolled through contacts

Your name still fastened my breath

A silent tear rolled down my cheek

I typed my heart in a text

I curled up in the blanket alone

No, it’s no more you by my side.

And today when I picked up my pen

And today when I wrote my name

I still wrote your last and attached it to mine

And today when I wrote my heart in the text

And today when I almost hit a send

I erased it all, for I can only whine

As today I stand alone for love left abode

As today your love is no more mine

As today we admire from distances alone

As today the love stands unfulfilled

As today the pursuit remains unaccomplished

How I wish I was a time traveller

For if not fix things,

I could reach out to the better times.

Tsunamis in my eyes never cease to drown me

The coldness in the air makes me miss the warmth

As I would snuggle in with all my love

In your bosom, in the ardor of your arms

And today when I grabbed the pillow

And today when I turned the light down

There appeared a text that said

“How are you? What’s going on?”

“I am terrible without you come take me back”

Is all I wanted to say as eyes brimmed again

“I am good, how about you”

Is all I could write and then howled in pain

And I still wonder, and I still believe

Grieving for you is better

Than moving on

For they say, its unfulfilled love alone

That is a romantic one.

When he saw her last

The sunny day, the heat, the sweat

I lingered somehow to college in tracks

The first bench was my best friend alone

That tree in the college garden my bolster

In these hot summers I laid in its shade

It reminded of my mother’s lap

It reminded of my father’s hand

When he would keep it on my shoulder

Telling the ways of life and men

They died last year.

Another day, same faces

I was used to of my routine enough

The first bench, the break and my tree

The scribbling with my pen on paper

As I occupied my seat

I smelled a fragrance

A sudden air went across my face

It was as I stood amidst a valley

Full of flowers and hues of grace

I looked at my side

She sat there.

Those eyes were bigger than an infant’s

They carried a tinge of brown

Every time those curled lashes shut

It seemed the world came to an end

Her curly locks fell above her waist

They were darker than the darkest night

That kohl lined up her eyes a way

That swayed many stories from her life

As she looked at me and said that ‘Hello’

Those little pink lips moved in the most delicate way

That nose on her face, how I wished I could touch

Every boy yearned for her and girls stood in dismay

She was the wish I would ask God for

The lost light of my life I yearned

She was the girl I would have taken to Mom & Dad

Had they been here to bless their young son

I wrote her a letter to tell her how I felt

Ninety sleepless nights and days

I pictured us together in my growing

I was sure my love would find its way

As I entered the next day

Waiting with batted breathe

She came up to me

My hand she held

Torn pieces of my letter

She handed over and said

“Get lost from here

You scrap you loser”

And those classmates mocked

But I didn’t regret

She was the only wish I beheld

This was the piece he wrote the last

Nobody knew where he went

With her picture in his heart

And with his unfulfilled love

He never returned to that land

After many a years

When she was the mother of two

Everybody reunited and celebrated old days

She was as breath-taking

As she ever was

She only got beautiful with her age

She asked for him to a few

Nobody ever knew where he was

She rushed back home

Opened a letter from him she long possessed

But never cared to read before

She didn’t need it

Everything in life she has always had

She read it and crashed into the floor

He had died that day

For only death could pacify

His unfulfilled love

His desire for her, for his life

She lamented, she cried

She clutched her hair, tore her dress apart

His last words were,

“You were my only wish,

The one I wanted to see the last”

And so he chose the day

He saw her the last.

Plot courtesy: Neha Choudhry, Her blog (beautiful collection of poems) : Let Life Breathe...

A little love is all they need.

They saw him in growing

In her womb he lay

They held hands together

Waited for the big day

They held his finger tight

While he ventured that first trail

He clicked those first pictures

When he clutched her hair

While he would nibble on his petite nails

She did not buy a saree that day

Because for a playstation he whined

He made peace with his worn out shoes

For his smile over the new bicycle was prime

For his education alone

They worked for extra hours

While there was an AC in his room

They spent July in sweat showers

Now he is a big man

Has achieved by leaps and bounds

They smile at each other when they see him

Feel proud of their mighty son

I walked past their house

And heard someone shouting

No it wasn’t her anymore for his incomplete homework

Neither him for his scattered things

It was him now shouting at them

It was him telling they interfered

It was him saying they were too old

To watch television disturbing his news

To wish for a walk alone

As the house would be empty then

And vulnerable to thefts

I wondered, were they the watchmen?

Today as I walked by I heard her shouting

His wife it was, the son’s wife

She shouted at the mother

For she left some grey hair

In her comb.

Was it a vintage comb? I wondered.

Many such days followed

They were accused of open taps

Of unheard mails

They would sit in the veranda sometimes

Looking into nowhere they lay

Pondering over what went wrong

Talking with the birds they would say

“Children are our assets, no matter how they behave”

After a few days I saw the smiles back

Together they walked towards the car

Maybe going out for a holiday, I thought

As a few packed bags they loaded 

The house was quite

The veranda deserted

The birds no more there on the parapet

As I asked the little one in the family

Where granny grand pa were,

At “old home” he said

I looked at him playing

The bicycles were back again

I wondered if this cycle would follow

When this kid will leave his parents

On their own when it was time for him to pay

Pay back all that they did for him

While he was ignorant and they only loved more

Each passing day

The two left to the old age home

Spent their lives together in depravity

Not of resources, but love

Not of money, but family

And died a desolate death

While all that they owned

Some money, some jewellery

In his name alone they wrote their will

And I realised that day

Its only parents on heaven and earth

Who love even on being dejected.

All they yearn for is a little love. Too much to ask? Please do think.

But its, THEY.

They ventured a walk

After they parked the car at FMS

In her black pyjamas and slippers

She would still look the best

The chill in the wind

Made her nose go red

He looked at her and smiled

Her cheeks he caressed

Winter promised its arrival

He held her waist under the moon

The stars dimmed their lights

The walk promised unison

They walked back towards the car

He held her face in his palms

As Bryan Adams promised his love

Their breathes fastened

She felt the warmth of his breath

On her neck, on her cheeks

Her lips quivered in ecstasy

As he got nearer and kissed

They saw a decade together

The blankets were forever warm

The naps were always a pretext

To trigger the love that blossomed

And it’s another winter again

They still sit in the blue Zen getting cosy

They still find all pretexts

They still go for drives till late
The only difference being, it’s now THEY.

The right time is NOW!

It was five in the morning today, I had not slept. I watched Vicky, Christina, Barcelona and then later I was going through the facebook profiles of all those people I had met lately, I had lost lately, I had loved lately and I hated since ever.

One common and static fact pertaining to everybody remained, that they had all changed. I am nobody to judge whether for good or bad, but they had. I shed a few tears looking at certain pictures and I laughed over certain crazy ones, memories have their due in everyone’s life.

I opened my chat box and saw, only a few people were online. Four. Out of which, there was a friend, who chose to ignore me. I had never known the reason, or I guess I did. We never talked about it, but we would always stalk each other’s profile so that we knew what was going on. Although I knew it in my heart he won’t reply, I still dropped in a ‘hi’. And to my surprise, he replied.

Him: Hey, how are you mitthi?

Yes, he would call me that!

Me: I am good taptop, how have you been?

And yes, I called him that

We talked for an hour and we told each other how much we missed our long chats, our night calling. He had shifted to Mumbai and things have been on a changing spree since then.

After I talked to him I realized, that maybe life isn’t all that sad. I had never thought he would ever reply, but I didn’t give up on trying, and we did talk. My neck pained like crazy for I have been suffering from cervical pain, but I didn’t want to let go off him. I wanted to relive all those memories of our doughnuts, of our KFC meets, of our Barista coffees, of our first hug and of our unspoken words and silences.

Him: Mitthi, of all the times I write and erase a text before I send it to you, I just fail sending it all together as there is so much to say and a message can never be enough.

Me: You don’t have to say anything; I can comprehend with your silences.

All I want to say is, if there are people in your life you just want to never let go off and distances have crept in, feel no hesitation and try. It doesn’t matter who does, because at the end of the day, you are saving a relation worthwhile. Who knows what tomorrow has in store, you got to seize the day my friend! Don’t ponder over what’s the right time, for the right time in now!

P.S. This one is for you Taptop! J

Wasted

The wasted night, The wasted day
That wasted sight
Her wasted fate
Wasted was the hate
Love a better industry?
Duh! Then Death be it
For after that
Nothing awaits
Only a wait
To again be one
One with fate.

And she died

It lies there in front of my eyes
It says the truth they say
Liar, i call them all
It was not the truth when he died
They said it was a suicide
The assassins killed him
He was not wealthy
She was a queen
She died too
Liars spoke again
She was love deprived
Though died of of being infidel
She couldn't take the onus of the guilt
They made her dance in the court
She did silently
She belched the whiskey loud
They said, long live the queen
And she died.

The song ended

I played a song
Heartbreak again?
Too numb to realize
Was he the one?
Thinking is futile
I played a song
And i looked at the window pane
Rains? oh no
Too typical
What do you have to say about love?
Oh not love again
I played a song
The clouds above
No point trying
It will end there
I took the earphones off
And then, it ended
The song.

I heard he is still waiting
someone tell him i am dead
i heard he still cries
someone tell him i am dead
i heard he still thinks i am the one
someone tell him i am dead
i heard someone saying he died..

I cannot see

And i left
Now i don't want to
But now the doors are closed
And so i sit outside
Inside its all dark
I cannot see anymore
They have tied my legs too
So i cannot leave
And there someone thinks
I am making merry.

When the tables turn

There was a time when I loved

The idea of love

And then I felt how it felt

But today when I reflect on what I beheld

I am filled with unparalleled regrets

I bent down for us

Not because I thought I was wrong

I bent just to behold whatever we beheld

For a little more while, for a little long

And when it ends today I am fine

For I can breathe, I can live

And when it ends today you will see

What you ignored thinking I was meek

I would still sway my way to someone’s heart

You will see me having fun

Someone else will hold these tresses

Someone else I will go and strike

And will get naked in love’s ocean

You ignorant one, lend me an ear

I will whisper in your ears what you should know

Get your ass out of here and never look back

For I will bite and spell death alone

I will dance around the bonfire

Of those pictures of yours with mine

And you will shat your pants when you see

Me lying with someone intertwined

You changed the hues of my life from red to black

Now you watch me live with it

The innocence was a long stolen fact

And now a devil in me lives

A storm rises within me

The fragrance of my breath quiver

While I crash down on the floor and write

None, these eyes will now spare

And when I make my move I shall see

How you cry and live in misery

Wish you were here..

Today while travelling back to home

That song suddenly played

The one you would sing to me all the time

While engulfed in your arms I laid

I blinked my eye to not let tears make their way

My cheeks then felt a sudden wave of air

Reminding me of the way you would caress my face

How I wished, you were here..

Every time I visit those places and see

People holding hands and making merry

I sit back and time pushes me

To the times when our laughs echoed the streets

To the times we celebrated my smallest victory

To the times when we ate in the same dish

To the times, I thought it will always persist

As I walked down the road

And it ended at my place

How I wished it was yours and not mine

When I reached back and undressed

While my hands moved around

How I wished they were yours and not mine

While I settled to have food

And mom got American Chop suey

I settled back and moved rear

To hold back a tear that struggled to find its way

How I wished, you were here..

I reached out to the bed

With the phone in hand I fiddled badly

Typed your number to call but didn't make

Wondering, I was supposed to act angry

I typed a text, congratulated and kept it away

I peered from the corner of my eye

To see if a text from your side appears

But there came no reply

And I broke down clutching the pillow tight

For it was already too hard to bear

With our pictures bookmarked

I smiled seeing the highest likes

That tear finally made its path clear

And while I struggled to sleep

That tear failed to wash your sight

And I kept wishing, wishing you were here..

Wish you were here..

D.E.J.E.C.T.I.O.N

All that was left over

Were the pages where you wrote

I was the prettiest woman

Of your life, you swore

But today when I look back

All that they seem

Is a playful wish that you knew

Will never come into being

But I was living a dream

Of our being together

I stood against all odds

My love didn’t wither

Aware of the uncertainties

I remained there still

Dreaming with eyes open

I wrestled every glitch

But it ended, it had to end

And you went, you had to go

To make way for YOUR things

OUR love was made a scapegoat

I cried, I shouted

I questioned your stand

Your answer was the same

“You alone are the one I want to talk to”

While with ease you left my hand

I waited for a while

For you to realize

You took me for granted

And now you bear the price

For I am walking away

Rendering this heart to someone

Who will see my love

And will reciprocate it with tons

Though I tried my way out

To get things back in fashion

But then I see you moving forth

Abandoning me to dejection

Now you expect things to get fine

For you want them to be your way

But since you dejected my love then ....

 So, dejection is what you’ll have to face.

You wished i was around..!

No matter how much the distance separates

And though our accord has surpassed the lease

Of all the times you wash your clothes alone

And end up putting in the washing powder less

I would like to believe & make peace

That you wish, I was around

I know you thought of time being wrong

You were more unsure than you could be strong

The better things in your life have taken a toll over me

But of all the times when you sit down tired

Walk towards the kitchen to make your coffee

I would like to believe & make peace

That you wish, I was around

Of all our pictures on facebook

When you would maintain the count of likes

Today when I am no more there in them

Though someone else is

While you hold her waist and get done a click

Something from those memories would hound
I would like to believe & make peace

That you wish, I was around

In the cold winter afternoon

When the blanket comes off

And the cold hits your bare feet

And you would lay there thinking I will envelope you

But while you lay alone, with a bare bosom

I would like to believe & make peace

That you wish, I was around

When you drive down home from work

And pick your phone to dial a number

There seems nobody you want to talk to

And with tsunamis in your eyes you struggle

Put the phone at bay and look at the watch

It reminds you of the times you said

“This promises a great day, so when with you

This is what I would put on”

Choked you look outside in thin air

I would like to believe & make peace

That you wished, I was around

Our favourite songs, our favourite movies

The places we would visit

The American chop suey

The Friends on star world

The in numerous pictures

Everything whenever you would try to shun

I would like to believe & make peace

That you wish, I was around

Today when you text and tell me things

Of how things are moving and how occupied things were

I hold back my tears and act all good

And show no sign of despair

I only keep praying for your success

No matter you aren’t there

I still hope against the hope

That the day things will settle

And you achieve by leaps and bounds

The toast that you raise to celebrate

Will seem garbled and half-done

I would like to believe & make peace

That you wish, I was around

Title & frame courtesy : Neha Choudhary

Gossamer Diaries: He struggles to have a few, while the other for a ...

Gossamer Diaries: He struggles to have a few, while the other for a ...: I walked pass the street A woman lay in the corner asleep I pitied her crisis and walked ahead praying May god bless her with better things...

He struggles to have a few, while the other for a few more!

I walked pass the street

A woman lay in the corner asleep

I pitied her crisis and walked ahead praying

May god bless her with better things

at a signal I saw a few kids

Two inside a car, peeping out from the window

Two outside trying to woo them

Woo them with the way they twisted & turned their bodies

So that a smile from the ones inside,

Would let them make peace with their appetite

I moved ahead and saw a few men

Some sitting inside a well-lit building

A few trying to build up a similar one

When I was sweating while walking alone

I wondered what must be their plight

Working in scorching heat to manage a plate

For their families waiting at home

I went home and saw a girl

She was my age and pretty

While she washed the dishes

I saw her dreams crushed down

For she had no business

Of thinking to study

Her life was confined to dirty dishes

The next day I went pass the same path

The woman who lay asleep had actually died

And still nobody cared to stop by and help

They walked pass feeling sad

I walked pass too

The kids who twisted & turned their bodies

Were standing at the food stall nearby

They asked for a frooti, with a ten rupee in hand

They had a glint in their eyes and a wide smile

The vendor shooed them away for they were a penny less

The frooti was for eleven, he said

They went with their heads hung low, I stood their numb

Then I saw a handful of them less

The site where men worked tirelessly

A roof had fallen upon on a few

And I thought of the abandoned families

When reached home, she wasn’t there too

I asked our maid, her mother

She was sent to the village for marriage, she said

I wondered of her predicament, as if this was less

When we complain of ACs not working fine

Of travelling by an auto, for we don’t have our own car

And while we curse the school for holding tests,

A few destitute remain inside our homes washing our mess

These are the plight of poor

Of people who die everyday

Striving to manage

A square meal, a day!

I stood there seeing.

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they holding hands

The street lights low

The night so dark

They looked into each other’s eyes

It was the color of love that I saw

And I stood there seeing

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they

They had killed them

For she was rich and he learned alone

It was the color of hatred that I saw

And I stood there seeing

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they

They held their child’s hand

And looked at each other while gay

It was the color of nourishment that I saw

And I stood there seeing

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they

Their son had just thrown them out

They stood alone in dismay

It was the color of betrayal that I saw

And I stood there seeing

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they

She carried a child and they made merry

She gave birth to a pretty lil girl

It was the color of motherhood that I saw

And I stood there seeing

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they

Snatched her little one from her hands

She didn’t even feed her well

They killed her in front of her eyes

It was the color of depravity that I saw

And I stood there seeing

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they

She played with her sort

They giggled and laughed

It was the color of childhood that I saw

And I stood there seeing

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they

Picked her up from her way to a place dark

She shouted but the beast didn’t keep at bay

Torne her spirits while he tore her clothes apart

And she jumped from the bridge

Only to not let her folks feel ashamed

It was the color of destruction that I saw

And I stood there seeing

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they

They had managed to sell the pencils at the signals

Had collected a ten chips

A smile so wide for now they will fill

The empty belly that was empty still

It was a color of innocence that I saw

And I stood there seeing

I stood at one end of the bridge

At the other stood they

Went to the vendor with the ten chips

To get a frooti they held their hand forward

He pushed them aside saying it’s for twelve

But ten was all they had

The smile vanished into thin air

Away, looking down they went

It was the color of helplessness that I saw

And I stood there seeing

Who am i?

I may be you, or you or might just be you too

And I keep seeing with a blind eye

Keep hearing with a deaf ear

To what shouldn’t be there and what should be fought

I stand alone at the other end and watch

For I am safe and splendid as yet.